I would do anything to bring things back to the way they used to be

(via walnutsanddahlias)

I think it’s been two weeks since the break up (I’m sorry but I lost count) and well as I have foreseen, I’m in this on my own. I mean, my friends have been there for me and I totally appreciate it but after a week or so, they don’t seem to pay that much attention to me and check on me- but I totally understand. Because they have their own lives and well, this is my battle, so I have to fight this on my own.

After a few days or weeks, people expect me to be okay already but in all honesty, I am not. I am nowhere near okay and I just cannot contain this anymore. I have been acting like I’m perfectly fine, but I’m just putting up a good front because people think I really am. I don’t know. I have no idea if moving on has a deadline and when that deadline is. Am I still far from it or have I missed it already?  Because I haven’t made any progress at all. I wrote today because I have been trying so hard to keep my game face on when in fact, all I want to do is break down and cry. Sometimes I think that I’m trying so hard to push myself to be strong that I tend to forget my limits— that I am only human and being human means having the capacity to feel and to hurt when needed. 

So just this once, let me hurt. Let me bask in all these emotions and let me be honest. I have been crying myself to sleep for two nights now. I don’t know why and where these emotions come from but everything seems to keep flashing back and haunting me- even in my sleep. My heart aches but my whole body aches even more. If only I could do something to rip all these emotions out, I would. I want all the hurting to stop. Some people tell me to go and find somebody new, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. And besides, I don’t want to cheat myself out of this process, because I will only be fooling myself..and more importantly, I can’t afford to hurt anyone- not at my own expense. 

So maybe there’s really nothing I can do as of this moment. Maybe all that’s left is to feel every pin and every needle piercing through my body because it’s all part of the process. I don’t have to pretend to be strong just to impress other people because they have no idea what I’m going through and what hell this phase is. 

I guess I just have to take things slow because once in a while, it’s okay to allow ourselves to hurt-because that’s what makes us human after all. 

P.S. I wish I was strong. And I still think of you, every single day.

Please just kill me now -___________________-

Haven’t posted in so long, well that’s because nothing great has happened and I can assure you that I’m still that same sappy, emotional wreck who hasn’t even made a teeny bit progress with moving on. 

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy studying for my last exam, but it’s not working though cause my mind keeps wandering and I’m here now, posting this. Zzzz

So yeah, I really have nothing to say except the fact that I miss him. Down to the core. And I would trade anything just to have things back the way they used to be. ANYTHING. -________-

Hello! It’s been a while since my last post. Well, stupid me for forgetting my Tumblr password. Anyway, a lot has happened and damn, where do I begin?

As usual, the ex and I tried fixing things, but again, nothing happened. Maybe we’re just both too blind to see that it’s not working out anymore and maybe the best thing to do is to stop forcing things and accept whatever’s bound to happen. 

I honestly have no idea if a normal relationship exists. Couples and relationships are unique in their own way and I can say that my relationship with the ex was special in a sense that I would always have something fun to look back on.

We had a lot of happy, crazy, moments. Lots of memories worth keeping.  I would love to have something to remember a few years from now but is there a way I could erase all those memories now? Even just for this moment? You know, so I can move on easily and just be done with it. I am having such a hard time starting to move on because whenever I try to do so, a memory of us haunts me and it’s too painful to let go of. I was happy with him. I really was, all the fights and problems aside. He made me genuinely happy and content but like any other relationship, I knew we were too different for us to work out. 

He wasn’t my dream guy- he was nowhere near my dream guy but I still fell for him because he was real. He had too many flaws, but I fell in love with them all. He showed me how it was okay to be human and make mistakes. Made me think, how could such relationship go sour, right? I don’t know. Time and distance play a very important role in a relationship. And yes, we had to make it work apart. I don’t know but I think the problem with distance is that you’re never sure if that person would miss you or forget about you. For him, I would guess the latter. 

All the bitterness aside, I miss him. I always do. And it’s always a battle to wake up everyday and convince myself that he isn’t around anymore and I have to get up and go on with my life. 

But sometimes, I think of how much he has hurt me and I become furious and hurt. How could you hurt the person you love, right? Why would you do things you know would disappoint your partner? Trust is very important in a relationship, and when that trust is lost, it’s hard to bring it back. And that’s what happened to us. One thing led to another. And well, let’s just say that I don’t think I can trust him anymore.

I do love him. I really do. But sometimes, love isn’t enough.

Tell me now!! Tell me!! Is that even humanely possible?! You have a one year relationship and move on the 4th day after a break up?! Sweet mother of hell, tell me is that even fucking possible?! Yes, I am pissed and I’m not trying to hide it!!

I am sulking and crying and feeling miserable about myself on the 4th day and FUCK WHAT?! He flirts with another motherfucker?! Oh god I can’t even contain my anger!!!! And anger is an understatement!! 

What heartless idiot would move on that quick after telling me that he can’t live without me just a few days back?! FUCK THAT! Oh my god, I am so done trying to get you back, asshole! I’m tired of making a fool out of myself while you go flirting with that under-aged motherfucker! And yes, I say that loud and clear, she’s a minor! Hahaha! You’re old enough to be her father, fool! 

Last night, I made a promise to myself to stop obsessing over the ex online. And, so far, so good. Hope I keep this up.

Funny how when you break up with someone, every single thing just reminds you of that person. It’s been roughly 3 days since we broke up and damn, I am not exaggerating when I say that every single thing really does remind me of him. It’s like when I look at something, I associate it with him..even down to my favorite TV show! It was our show. I introduced that motherfucking show to him and now I can no longer stand to watch it! Damn him!!!

I guess it’s a pretty normal thing to obsess over your ex, and I’d like to think it that way. It goes without saying that I really miss him. I truly do. My body aches at the thought of him; I yearn to see him, to feel him, to hear his voice, to just be with him. But that’s not possible anymore. He’s no longer mine and my guess is that he’s busy moving on from our relationship. And it sucks, because I can’t seem to do that. I can’t seem to convince myself that it’s over, that I have to just go on with my life- without him. 

I guess this song speaks for itself and for me. If you ever get to read this, I want you to know that not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I think of you when I wake, I think of you when I do something- especially those things we did together, I think of you when my phone beeps- wishing it was you, I think of you when I hear a song we both like or only you like, I think of you when I go to a place we’ve been, I think about before I sleep, and I even think about you in my dreams, and the list go5ttttt555Hey, I  think about you all the time..and I wish you did the same.

31 March 2013